Monday, March 8, 2010

Fear of Failure?

As a disclaimer, I will say that we all judge people. We might try not to, or might claim that we don't, but we all do it. If you say you don't, I would say that you're lying.
I am not a self confident person. I don't know how I appear on the outside, but inside I'm insecure, unsure, and place far too much weight on what other people think of me. I don't like to upset anyone, I like consistency, and I'm not a big fan of surprises. I can't handle it when people are unhappy with me.
So, me being me, I just hear people out, store their disapproving or negative comments away in some overflowing compartment, where it sits. Sometimes (and I am getting better at this) I can let go of these things and never think of them again. Sometimes, they start to bother me and make me question how I've chosen to live my life.
I love my God. Truly, madly and deeply. I'm tired of being made to feel that I don't, or that I don't love Him enough, or serve Him enough. I'm a work in progress, and so are you. My gifts don't lie in the same area as yours. I'm not a good intercessor. I'm not good at following the flow of something that I don't feel in my spirit. I like to talk on the outside, but my spirit is a much quieter being - I hear the voice of God best when I just shut up and listen.
I love my husband. Again, truly, madly and deeply. I'm tired of being made to feel that I don't because I'm not a person who displays outwardly affection easily. I'm not a hugger, a cuddler or anything like that. I am working hard on talking uplifting words about my husband when he's not around, because that's what he deserves. Again, I'm a work in progress.
I love my children. Also truly, madly and deeply. I'm tired of being made to feel like I'm an inferior mother because I've chosen to have a job outside the home. I know this gives me less time with them, and I'm working hard on making the most of the hours we have together. I am working hard on praying for them, with them, and teaching them the things they need to learn to become great men someday. In this area too, I am a work in progress.
I love my family and friends. I depend on them, some maybe too much. I feel like I've driven people away with my almost desperation to fit in. When I trust someone, I trust them with everything. I don't mean to burden them, but I need to have someone to confide in, share my dreams with, and bounce ideas off of. I've had few close friends in my life, and they are almost all out of it now. It's caused me to have trouble trusting again - even though I know that the dissolution of friendships is partly my fault.
God's grace has made me free. Truly free. My spirit feels free, but my flesh is burdened with the pressure to be who someone else thinks I should be. I still struggle with what I wrote in my last post in August. There are things my spirit wants to do - feels free to do - but my flesh is being fought. I don't have the answers, yet, but I am trying to be the best God has made me to be.

1 comment:

Canwdn said...

Julie, this post is amazing - amazing not only because it is well-written and thought-provoking, but amazing because I see the real Julie here. I am so proud of the woman, wife and mother you have become. I know you are allowing God to work in you and through you, and I see the fruit. You are so strong, and I think sometimes I forget that, like all of us, you need those words of encouragement and a big hug to go with them. I love you, precious daughter!