Sunday, May 23, 2010

Happy, happy, joy, joy!

After yesterday's post, and today's demise of my Facebook account, I found myself with a newfound desire to write. So I pulled out the first three quarters of the novel I wrote for Nano last year ( for those who are curious) and started reading with the intention of doing some serious editing.
Much to my great surprise, the book is good. Like ACTUALLY GOOD! Good in the sense that if I'd bought it from my mother's fabulous bookstore, I might have finished it in one reading. I could hardly contain my excitement. Does it need work? Of course. When you write a book (or the beginning of one) in thirty days, there are lots of mistakes and inconsistencies. But story-wise? I was pretty impressed with myself.
I've recently learned to embrace the gifts God's given you. Not just the big, in-your-face, obvious to the world gifts, but those little things in you. You know, the times when you say "I'd really like to do ........" or "I really wish I could........" Do you think that desire is there for nothing? Absolutely not! God gave you those desires, he gave you a passion for whatever it might be, however small you might think it is. If you can't get that awesomely good thought and desire out of your mind, guess who keeps putting it there? Every good thing comes from God, in case you hadn't heard.
Anyways, I said all that to say that I'm so excited to have made time to write!

Saturday, May 22, 2010


I have mixed feelings today.

Happy that I'm deleting my Facebook account, and getting rid of what has become a royal waste of time. Sad that in deleting my account, only two of my 150 "friends" care to have my contact information. (family not included - you know where to find me)

Happy that I could help some people out today, sad about the things I didn't get to help out on. I need to make myself more available, and remind people that I'm willing and able.

Happy that I have some new writing ideas, sad that I'm not always sure how to get things from my head into story form. But getting rid of Facebook is giving me more time to read, and that always helps to inspire.

I've been thinking lately about how people think of me - not in a negative, trying to keep up with the Joneses way, but just wondering how I'm perceived. Some things that I'd like people to think of me for, they obviously don't, but other things that I'm asked for are probably not in my primary skill set. Maybe I need a personal resume to distribute?

In everything I do, however, I'm trying to do it to the best of God's ability that's been placed in me. Work, family, church - all needs to be done with a grateful heart. But in everything that I do for other people, I still need to find some time for me. I bought a pretty new Bible to keep at work about a month ago, and I finally opened it this week. Not having the online distraction of other people's distant lives on Facebook gave me a great opportunity to delve back into God's Word. And it was GOOD!

This is a rambling post.....I'm restless. Physically and spiritually and mentally. Restlessness without focus is wandering, that's not where I want to go. I may not know my destination, but I'm forging a path......

Monday, March 8, 2010

Fear of Failure?

As a disclaimer, I will say that we all judge people. We might try not to, or might claim that we don't, but we all do it. If you say you don't, I would say that you're lying.
I am not a self confident person. I don't know how I appear on the outside, but inside I'm insecure, unsure, and place far too much weight on what other people think of me. I don't like to upset anyone, I like consistency, and I'm not a big fan of surprises. I can't handle it when people are unhappy with me.
So, me being me, I just hear people out, store their disapproving or negative comments away in some overflowing compartment, where it sits. Sometimes (and I am getting better at this) I can let go of these things and never think of them again. Sometimes, they start to bother me and make me question how I've chosen to live my life.
I love my God. Truly, madly and deeply. I'm tired of being made to feel that I don't, or that I don't love Him enough, or serve Him enough. I'm a work in progress, and so are you. My gifts don't lie in the same area as yours. I'm not a good intercessor. I'm not good at following the flow of something that I don't feel in my spirit. I like to talk on the outside, but my spirit is a much quieter being - I hear the voice of God best when I just shut up and listen.
I love my husband. Again, truly, madly and deeply. I'm tired of being made to feel that I don't because I'm not a person who displays outwardly affection easily. I'm not a hugger, a cuddler or anything like that. I am working hard on talking uplifting words about my husband when he's not around, because that's what he deserves. Again, I'm a work in progress.
I love my children. Also truly, madly and deeply. I'm tired of being made to feel like I'm an inferior mother because I've chosen to have a job outside the home. I know this gives me less time with them, and I'm working hard on making the most of the hours we have together. I am working hard on praying for them, with them, and teaching them the things they need to learn to become great men someday. In this area too, I am a work in progress.
I love my family and friends. I depend on them, some maybe too much. I feel like I've driven people away with my almost desperation to fit in. When I trust someone, I trust them with everything. I don't mean to burden them, but I need to have someone to confide in, share my dreams with, and bounce ideas off of. I've had few close friends in my life, and they are almost all out of it now. It's caused me to have trouble trusting again - even though I know that the dissolution of friendships is partly my fault.
God's grace has made me free. Truly free. My spirit feels free, but my flesh is burdened with the pressure to be who someone else thinks I should be. I still struggle with what I wrote in my last post in August. There are things my spirit wants to do - feels free to do - but my flesh is being fought. I don't have the answers, yet, but I am trying to be the best God has made me to be.