Happy, happy, joy, joy!

After yesterday's post, and today's demise of my Facebook account, I found myself with a newfound desire to write. So I pulled out the first three quarters of the novel I wrote for Nano last year (www.nanowrimo.org for those who are curious) and started reading with the intention of doing some serious editing.
Much to my great surprise, the book is good. Like ACTUALLY GOOD! Good in the sense that if I'd bought it from my mother's fabulous bookstore, I might have finished it in one reading. I could hardly contain my excitement. Does it need work? Of course. When you write a book (or the beginning of one) in thirty days, there are lots of mistakes and inconsistencies. But story-wise? I was pretty impressed with myself.
I've recently learned to embrace the gifts God's given you. Not just the big, in-your-face, obvious to the world gifts, but those little things in you. You know, the times when you say "I'd really like to do ........" or "I really wish I could........" Do you think that desire is there for nothing? Absolutely not! God gave you those desires, he gave you a passion for whatever it might be, however small you might think it is. If you can't get that awesomely good thought and desire out of your mind, guess who keeps putting it there? Every good thing comes from God, in case you hadn't heard.
Anyways, I said all that to say that I'm so excited to have made time to write!

Excellence

I have mixed feelings today.

Happy that I'm deleting my Facebook account, and getting rid of what has become a royal waste of time. Sad that in deleting my account, only two of my 150 "friends" care to have my contact information. (family not included - you know where to find me)

Happy that I could help some people out today, sad about the things I didn't get to help out on. I need to make myself more available, and remind people that I'm willing and able.

Happy that I have some new writing ideas, sad that I'm not always sure how to get things from my head into story form. But getting rid of Facebook is giving me more time to read, and that always helps to inspire.

I've been thinking lately about how people think of me - not in a negative, trying to keep up with the Joneses way, but just wondering how I'm perceived. Some things that I'd like people to think of me for, they obviously don't, but other things that I'm asked for are probably not in my primary skill set. Maybe I need a personal resume to distribute?

In everything I do, however, I'm trying to do it to the best of God's ability that's been placed in me. Work, family, church - all needs to be done with a grateful heart. But in everything that I do for other people, I still need to find some time for me. I bought a pretty new Bible to keep at work about a month ago, and I finally opened it this week. Not having the online distraction of other people's distant lives on Facebook gave me a great opportunity to delve back into God's Word. And it was GOOD!

This is a rambling post.....I'm restless. Physically and spiritually and mentally. Restlessness without focus is wandering, that's not where I want to go. I may not know my destination, but I'm forging a path......

Fear of Failure?

As a disclaimer, I will say that we all judge people. We might try not to, or might claim that we don't, but we all do it. If you say you don't, I would say that you're lying.
I am not a self confident person. I don't know how I appear on the outside, but inside I'm insecure, unsure, and place far too much weight on what other people think of me. I don't like to upset anyone, I like consistency, and I'm not a big fan of surprises. I can't handle it when people are unhappy with me.
So, me being me, I just hear people out, store their disapproving or negative comments away in some overflowing compartment, where it sits. Sometimes (and I am getting better at this) I can let go of these things and never think of them again. Sometimes, they start to bother me and make me question how I've chosen to live my life.
I love my God. Truly, madly and deeply. I'm tired of being made to feel that I don't, or that I don't love Him enough, or serve Him enough. I'm a work in progress, and so are you. My gifts don't lie in the same area as yours. I'm not a good intercessor. I'm not good at following the flow of something that I don't feel in my spirit. I like to talk on the outside, but my spirit is a much quieter being - I hear the voice of God best when I just shut up and listen.
I love my husband. Again, truly, madly and deeply. I'm tired of being made to feel that I don't because I'm not a person who displays outwardly affection easily. I'm not a hugger, a cuddler or anything like that. I am working hard on talking uplifting words about my husband when he's not around, because that's what he deserves. Again, I'm a work in progress.
I love my children. Also truly, madly and deeply. I'm tired of being made to feel like I'm an inferior mother because I've chosen to have a job outside the home. I know this gives me less time with them, and I'm working hard on making the most of the hours we have together. I am working hard on praying for them, with them, and teaching them the things they need to learn to become great men someday. In this area too, I am a work in progress.
I love my family and friends. I depend on them, some maybe too much. I feel like I've driven people away with my almost desperation to fit in. When I trust someone, I trust them with everything. I don't mean to burden them, but I need to have someone to confide in, share my dreams with, and bounce ideas off of. I've had few close friends in my life, and they are almost all out of it now. It's caused me to have trouble trusting again - even though I know that the dissolution of friendships is partly my fault.
God's grace has made me free. Truly free. My spirit feels free, but my flesh is burdened with the pressure to be who someone else thinks I should be. I still struggle with what I wrote in my last post in August. There are things my spirit wants to do - feels free to do - but my flesh is being fought. I don't have the answers, yet, but I am trying to be the best God has made me to be.

Believe. Follow. Serve.

"For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ." Galations 1:10, ESV

I was thinking about this while Pastor Seth was preaching on Sunday. (Again, probably not what he preached on, but I'm sure it was related!) I "found" this verse a while ago, and have been thinking on it for months. Unfortunately, it relates to a lot of things in my life, and one thing in particular. I've been forming this post in my head for a while, it seems to be one of those things that just needs to get out of me in some form.

While I was in bible school, God showed me something about spiritual gifts, and mine in particular. It remains one of two times I've heard God speak to me with such clarity that I had no doubt of it's source. I shared with one of my teachers this great revelation, and was immediately shot down and told that it was probably not God talking to me, and that I should think and pray for a long time before sharing with anyone else. Knowing without a doubt that I had heard from God, but caring far too much about how others thought of me, I did keep it to myself. I've never told another soul on this earth, and eventually managed to keep it from popping into my mind every day.

As soon as I read this verse, however, it popped back into my head with the same clarity that it did ten years ago. Even though I've probably read that verse a hundred times since then, God picked a time to show me something through it. And what an amazing thing to know that God doesn't forget what He told you, even if you've tried your best to forget. So even though I still haven't told anyone what God showed me, I'm not in the place where I'm ready to do so, I am ready to start pursuing God in the way he deserves to be pursued. And like my mother often says, if we truly believe God, why don't we act like we believe everything He says is true?

So Believe. (with a capital "B") Then follow what He says. Then you will have the privilege of being called His servant.

The Loose Tooth

My son has his first loose tooth. Not remembering how old I was when I lost my first tooth, I scoured the internet to make sure that he was the right age for this. Satisfied that he was not too young, I started prepping him for the situation. (Caleb is a logical kid, and likes to be advised of all possible outcomes to any scenario so that he's not surprised when anything happens)

Mommy: Caleb, your tooth is going to fall out pretty soon.
Caleb: But I need my tooth. (He says this while he's wiggling it with his finger)
Mommy: Well, you'll get a new, bigger one in a month or two. (Caleb is satisfied with this answer. Mommy, however, is concerned at Caleb's lack of concern)
Caleb: So what do you think the Tooth Fairy is going to bring me? How does she know what I like?
Mommy: I'm pretty sure she'll bring you money so that you can get whatever you want. But you don't get anything if you swallow the tooth. (Caleb is unfazed by this)
Caleb: I won't swallow it. (Mommy is not convinced)
Mommy: Do you want me to help you pull it out to make sure?
Caleb: No thank you. I think I'll just wait for it to fall out on its own.

He goes to play after this and leaves me thinking. We always talk about how impatient kids are, but really we're the impatient ones. Caleb has no issue with waiting for this tooth, even when he knows that there is a reward at the end. Also, he knows that it will probably be a little painful if he would pull it out before it's ready.
There's a spiritual lesson to be learned here. How often are we so impatient with God that we are even willing to endure a little pain to get the results faster? Don't you think that God has a reason for waiting? Showing a little patience can probably save a little pain, as well.
Remember, He knows best.

The Shack

I bought the book "The Shack" a while ago, but hadn't started reading it until this past weekend.

WOW.

I'm halfway through, and have had to stop to process what I've read so far. Things that I've thought about God for a long time, things that I thought were biblically founded, are really just religion.

What an eye opener. I REALLY recommend this book for anyone, it doesn't matter what stage you are on your spiritual walk. I have a feeling that I'm going to have to read this book a few times to really let things sink in. The book really talks about our religion vs. a real relationship with God. It also focuses on the relationship of the Trinity, and the way that God loves you. And it's well written, which really makes a difference.

More reading to do!!!

Conversations with Reece

As I was lounging in the bathtub the other night I heard Reece yelling at Caleb downstairs. The kind of yelling where it's not about content, but all about volume. I heard Shawn send Reece to his room. So of course I hear the pitter-patter of little feet. (or if you know Reece, more like an elephant lumbering down the hallway) The little feet stop at my bathroom door and I hear a sad voice, and can picture the pout on his face.
Reece: Mommmmy.
Mommy: Yes, Reece?
Reece: Daddy telled me I go a my woom. (room)
Mommy: I heard you yelling at Caleb.
Reece: I yell at Daddy, choo. (too)
Mommy: Well, then you should go to your room.
I heard the sigh from the other side of the door.
Reece: 'kay.

And the little feet pitter-pattered off to his room. I had a good laugh over his need to "tell on Daddy" for sending him to his room, but was also pretty impressed that he understood why he was being sent there. So some things do actually sink in!