Julie and her BC boys

Happy, happy, joy, joy!

2010-05-23T23:43:00.000-07:00

After yesterday's post, and today's demise of my Facebook account, I found myself with a newfound desire to write. So I pulled out the first three quarters of the novel I wrote for Nano last year (www.nanowrimo.org for those who are curious) and started reading with the intention of doing some serious editing.
Much to my great surprise, the book is good. Like ACTUALLY GOOD! Good in the sense that if I'd bought it from my mother's fabulous bookstore, I might have finished it in one reading. I could hardly contain my excitement. Does it need work? Of course. When you write a book (or the beginning of one) in thirty days, there are lots of mistakes and inconsistencies. But story-wise? I was pretty impressed with myself.
I've recently learned to embrace the gifts God's given you. Not just the big, in-your-face, obvious to the world gifts, but those little things in you. You know, the times when you say "I'd really like to do ........" or "I really wish I could........" Do you think that desire is there for nothing? Absolutely not! God gave you those desires, he gave you a passion for whatever it might be, however small you might think it is. If you can't get that awesomely good thought and desire out of your mind, guess who keeps putting it there? Every good thing comes from God, in case you hadn't heard.
Anyways, I said all that to say that I'm so excited to have made time to write!

Excellence

2010-05-22T22:41:00.000-07:00

I have mixed feelings today.

Happy that I'm deleting my Facebook account, and getting rid of what has become a royal waste of time. Sad that in deleting my account, only two of my 150 "friends" care to have my contact information. (family not included - you know where to find me)

Happy that I could help some people out today, sad about the things I didn't get to help out on. I need to make myself more available, and remind people that I'm willing and able.

Happy that I have some new writing ideas, sad that I'm not always sure how to get things from my head into story form. But getting rid of Facebook is giving me more time to read, and that always helps to inspire.

I've been thinking lately about how people think of me - not in a negative, trying to keep up with the Joneses way, but just wondering how I'm perceived. Some things that I'd like people to think of me for, they obviously don't, but other things that I'm asked for are probably not in my primary skill set. Maybe I need a personal resume to distribute?

In everything I do, however, I'm trying to do it to the best of God's ability that's been placed in me. Work, family, church - all needs to be done with a grateful heart. But in everything that I do for other people, I still need to find some time for me. I bought a pretty new Bible to keep at work about a month ago, and I finally opened it this week. Not having the online distraction of other people's distant lives on Facebook gave me a great opportunity to delve back into God's Word. And it was GOOD!

This is a rambling post.....I'm restless. Physically and spiritually and mentally. Restlessness without focus is wandering, that's not where I want to go. I may not know my destination, but I'm forging a path......

Fear of Failure?

2010-03-08T14:35:00.000-08:00

As a disclaimer, I will say that we all judge people. We might try not to, or might claim that we don't, but we all do it. If you say you don't, I would say that you're lying.
I am not a self confident person. I don't know how I appear on the outside, but inside I'm insecure, unsure, and place far too much weight on what other people think of me. I don't like to upset anyone, I like consistency, and I'm not a big fan of surprises. I can't handle it when people are unhappy with me.
So, me being me, I just hear people out, store their disapproving or negative comments away in some overflowing compartment, where it sits. Sometimes (and I am getting better at this) I can let go of these things and never think of them again. Sometimes, they start to bother me and make me question how I've chosen to live my life.
I love my God. Truly, madly and deeply. I'm tired of being made to feel that I don't, or that I don't love Him enough, or serve Him enough. I'm a work in progress, and so are you. My gifts don't lie in the same area as yours. I'm not a good intercessor. I'm not good at following the flow of something that I don't feel in my spirit. I like to talk on the outside, but my spirit is a much quieter being - I hear the voice of God best when I just shut up and listen.
I love my husband. Again, truly, madly and deeply. I'm tired of being made to feel that I don't because I'm not a person who displays outwardly affection easily. I'm not a hugger, a cuddler or anything like that. I am working hard on talking uplifting words about my husband when he's not around, because that's what he deserves. Again, I'm a work in progress.
I love my children. Also truly, madly and deeply. I'm tired of being made to feel like I'm an inferior mother because I've chosen to have a job outside the home. I know this gives me less time with them, and I'm working hard on making the most of the hours we have together. I am working hard on praying for them, with them, and teaching them the things they need to learn to become great men someday. In this area too, I am a work in progress.
I love my family and friends. I depend on them, some maybe too much. I feel like I've driven people away with my almost desperation to fit in. When I trust someone, I trust them with everything. I don't mean to burden them, but I need to have someone to confide in, share my dreams with, and bounce ideas off of. I've had few close friends in my life, and they are almost all out of it now. It's caused me to have trouble trusting again - even though I know that the dissolution of friendships is partly my fault.
God's grace has made me free. Truly free. My spirit feels free, but my flesh is burdened with the pressure to be who someone else thinks I should be. I still struggle with what I wrote in my last post in August. There are things my spirit wants to do - feels free to do - but my flesh is being fought. I don't have the answers, yet, but I am trying to be the best God has made me to be.

Believe. Follow. Serve.

2009-08-14T13:27:00.000-07:00

"For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ." Galations 1:10, ESV

I was thinking about this while Pastor Seth was preaching on Sunday. (Again, probably not what he preached on, but I'm sure it was related!) I "found" this verse a while ago, and have been thinking on it for months. Unfortunately, it relates to a lot of things in my life, and one thing in particular. I've been forming this post in my head for a while, it seems to be one of those things that just needs to get out of me in some form.

While I was in bible school, God showed me something about spiritual gifts, and mine in particular. It remains one of two times I've heard God speak to me with such clarity that I had no doubt of it's source. I shared with one of my teachers this great revelation, and was immediately shot down and told that it was probably not God talking to me, and that I should think and pray for a long time before sharing with anyone else. Knowing without a doubt that I had heard from God, but caring far too much about how others thought of me, I did keep it to myself. I've never told another soul on this earth, and eventually managed to keep it from popping into my mind every day.

As soon as I read this verse, however, it popped back into my head with the same clarity that it did ten years ago. Even though I've probably read that verse a hundred times since then, God picked a time to show me something through it. And what an amazing thing to know that God doesn't forget what He told you, even if you've tried your best to forget. So even though I still haven't told anyone what God showed me, I'm not in the place where I'm ready to do so, I am ready to start pursuing God in the way he deserves to be pursued. And like my mother often says, if we truly believe God, why don't we act like we believe everything He says is true?

So Believe. (with a capital "B") Then follow what He says. Then you will have the privilege of being called His servant.

The Loose Tooth

2009-07-06T14:29:00.000-07:00

My son has his first loose tooth. Not remembering how old I was when I lost my first tooth, I scoured the internet to make sure that he was the right age for this. Satisfied that he was not too young, I started prepping him for the situation. (Caleb is a logical kid, and likes to be advised of all possible outcomes to any scenario so that he's not surprised when anything happens)

Mommy: Caleb, your tooth is going to fall out pretty soon.
Caleb: But I need my tooth. (He says this while he's wiggling it with his finger)
Mommy: Well, you'll get a new, bigger one in a month or two. (Caleb is satisfied with this answer. Mommy, however, is concerned at Caleb's lack of concern)
Caleb: So what do you think the Tooth Fairy is going to bring me? How does she know what I like?
Mommy: I'm pretty sure she'll bring you money so that you can get whatever you want. But you don't get anything if you swallow the tooth. (Caleb is unfazed by this)
Caleb: I won't swallow it. (Mommy is not convinced)
Mommy: Do you want me to help you pull it out to make sure?
Caleb: No thank you. I think I'll just wait for it to fall out on its own.

He goes to play after this and leaves me thinking. We always talk about how impatient kids are, but really we're the impatient ones. Caleb has no issue with waiting for this tooth, even when he knows that there is a reward at the end. Also, he knows that it will probably be a little painful if he would pull it out before it's ready.
There's a spiritual lesson to be learned here. How often are we so impatient with God that we are even willing to endure a little pain to get the results faster? Don't you think that God has a reason for waiting? Showing a little patience can probably save a little pain, as well.
Remember, He knows best.

The Shack

2009-06-17T14:11:00.000-07:00

I bought the book "The Shack" a while ago, but hadn't started reading it until this past weekend.

WOW.

I'm halfway through, and have had to stop to process what I've read so far. Things that I've thought about God for a long time, things that I thought were biblically founded, are really just religion.

What an eye opener. I REALLY recommend this book for anyone, it doesn't matter what stage you are on your spiritual walk. I have a feeling that I'm going to have to read this book a few times to really let things sink in. The book really talks about our religion vs. a real relationship with God. It also focuses on the relationship of the Trinity, and the way that God loves you. And it's well written, which really makes a difference.

More reading to do!!!

Conversations with Reece

2009-06-10T13:07:00.000-07:00

As I was lounging in the bathtub the other night I heard Reece yelling at Caleb downstairs. The kind of yelling where it's not about content, but all about volume. I heard Shawn send Reece to his room. So of course I hear the pitter-patter of little feet. (or if you know Reece, more like an elephant lumbering down the hallway) The little feet stop at my bathroom door and I hear a sad voice, and can picture the pout on his face.
Reece: Mommmmy.
Mommy: Yes, Reece?
Reece: Daddy telled me I go a my woom. (room)
Mommy: I heard you yelling at Caleb.
Reece: I yell at Daddy, choo. (too)
Mommy: Well, then you should go to your room.
I heard the sigh from the other side of the door.
Reece: 'kay.

And the little feet pitter-pattered off to his room. I had a good laugh over his need to "tell on Daddy" for sending him to his room, but was also pretty impressed that he understood why he was being sent there. So some things do actually sink in!

Goals

2009-06-05T15:09:00.001-07:00

I work in the financial industry, and we do a lot of retirement planning where we talk about a client's goals, and how they are going to get there. Something clicked in me at homegroup this week (again, Pastor Seth, this is probably not what you were trying to teach!) and I realized that the principals also apply to faith. There are four questions to ask yourself.
Where are you at? - what you have and what you have learned
Where do you want to be? - something you are believing God for.
Can you get there? - you need to see the light at the end of the tunnel!
How are you going to get there? - you need a plan!

Faith is not a walk down a random path in the wilderness. Faith is a calculated, focused quest with a defined goal. If you can't pinpoint a goal, you need to get one! Whether it is something specific you are believing for, or looking for a revelation, faith demands a focal point. If your faith is focused you won't question where God leads you in the process.

Revival Fire

2009-06-05T15:02:00.000-07:00

We've been talking lots about revival in church and homegroup lately, and for the first time ever, things are starting to sink in. We often use the words revival and fire to mean different things, but really they are one. I'm an avid watcher of all things CSI, so I know that fire requires three things: Something to burn (either substance or accelerant), a spark to start the fire, and oxygen to keep it burning. Apply spiritual principals, and you have:

Something to burn - This is your foundation in the Word. Without this, you can get all excited about something, but the excitement quickly dissipates when there is nothing for it to grasp onto.

A spark - This is prayer. Whether it be in the Spirit, or with your understanding, prayer is what gets your fire going. I heard someone say once that you can measure a person's spiritual life by their prayer habits.

Oxygen - This is your faith. Without applied faith, Word is just words and prayer is just talking to yourself.

No fire will burn without these three components - they are the basis of revival. And they start in you. You are responsible for your own fire - and it can be contagious and "spark" someone else's.

Another point: Revival and revelation go hand in hand. They are inseparable. If you believe that you are part of the revival but are not seeing new things revealed to you in the Word of God, then you are only along for the ride and missing the revival.

Conversations with Caleb

2009-05-07T13:49:00.000-07:00

I'm learning the logic of five year olds. I'm also learning that they have no concept of time. (as in years.....) We were driving home from school earlier this week and talking about Mother's Day. Caleb, as always, had questions.

Caleb: So how did you learn to be a mommy?

Me: From my mommy. (Caleb nods)

Caleb: You mean Namma.

Me: Yes. (Caleb is quiet for a minute while he thinks about this)

Caleb: Well, how could Namma teach you if she didn't have any kids of her own? (I'm starting to laugh at this point)

Me: Caleb, Namma had four kids. (As I look at my son in the rearview mirror, I can see that he's starting to get upset)

Caleb: But what happened to them?

He was very upset, and we had to explain that his aunts and uncle were once babies. I realized that kids have no concept of growing up, and no concept that adults were once children.
Out of the mouths of babes....

Pondering the circle of life....

2007-08-12T19:51:00.000-07:00

It's sad, joyous, and just plain interesting. My weekend has been a study on the circle of life. A good friend of mine from bible college passed away on Friday, and another friend of mine welcomed a baby into the world early Saturday morning and yet another was married on Saturday afternoon. I've been thinking about how just as God adds another member to heaven, he sends another down to be with us. Not that He's in the business of trading a life for a life - I would never believe that He's that kind of God. It's just made me think about how short life can be, and how much time we (me) have spent wasting it on things that are of no consequence. I guess it's another step on finding the meaning of life, how to live it to the fullest and be happy. There are different degrees of all those things, and I have and understanding to an extent on all of them. But is there a pinnacle to be reached? I don't think so. The friend of mine that passed away still will have her work on earth continuing after her physical body has left this planet. Her spirit and outlook on life was pretty amazing, even though we hadn't been in contact in recent years, even though her doctors had never been optimistic. I've already learned from her, and I'm in a pensive mood as I continue to draw from her example.

Settling in...

2007-07-28T21:50:00.000-07:00

Advice to all parents: Moving with small children has the same effect as taking away everything that may be near to their hearts and throwing it into a pit of eternal flame. I would have thought that once all the toys emerged from their boxes at the new house all would be well. I was sadly mistaken. The toys may have made it to the new house, but all rules and general common sense guidelines were lost along the way. Needless to say, it was a rough week. Caleb likes having his own room, but now has some huge issue with sharing his toys with his little brother. Reece has handled it pretty well, other than trying to stand on furniture before he was ready and getting a black eye in the process. (This combined with Caleb falling down the outside flight of stairs to the basement and his getting several scrapes and bruises has confined me to the house over the last few days to prevent people questioning my parenting skills. Oh, and Reece decided to get some new teeth over the last couple of days, so it's been especially pleasant to be housebound.)
Shawn and I have settled in much easier, I think. I'm sick of putting new furniture together. (One computer desk, three bookshelves, a dresser, a cabinet, and a filing cabinet) I've spend a ridiculous amount of money at IKEA; on some new furniture for us, and on the kitchen for the suite; but am enjoying the armchair I am now relaxing in. Oh, and have I mentioned how lovely it is to have the laundry on the same floor as the bedrooms? Who knew this could be a luxury.
So the next month promises to be equally draining. I go back to work in just over a week. We're trying to finish the suite downstairs to be rented for September. And the studio has people waiting for business, but is still an empty shell of a detached garage. It will be busy, but will pay off in the end.
Time for sleep....

Counting down....

2007-07-13T18:50:00.000-07:00

Word of advice to anyone out there buying a brand new house: make sure you know what is coming with the house! We do know (or at least I hope we do) which makes it easier to shop. New blinds: $1200. Security system: $1200. Recording studio: $35,000. Basement suite: $10000. Hawaii trip: $5000. It adds up. At least it was budgeted for. It's nice to be about to enjoy the reward of having bought into the real estate market five years ago.
Caleb, however, is not enjoying anything. He's starting to act out - somehow thinking that we're packing everything into oblivion. The childcare people at the gym this morning had to give him a couple of time outs resulting from his possessiveness of the toys. I'm hoping this phase will be over when we actually move and start unpacking things.
I need to figure out how to use this blog. At some point in the distant past I was completely up to date with the computer goings-on. Very different now. There are just too many options! For now I'll just blame my ignorance on the laptop.
It's nearing my quiet time....bedtime looms for the boys, and the football game is starting for mommy. I might live in BC, but I still bleed green and love my Riders.....

6 more days until the madness ends. Or changes. Or moves to a new location.

2007-07-12T21:49:00.000-07:00

Six days until moving day. Am I excited? Yes. Dreading the unpacking? Oh, yeah. But moving from a townhouse with neighbours peering in every window to a real house with only a few neighbours peering from across the street is a nice upgrade. (So are the granite countertops, but that's to be expected.) However, moving with two small children is infinitely more challenging than moving with just one big child. (aka The Husband) Reece is small enough that he has no idea what's going on, other than the really funny sound that boxes make when they hit the floor and make him giggle hysterically. (Didn't I hear once that children don't need toys; only boxes and wrapping paper? Too true.) Caleb, however, is another story. Everything that he might have some small form of attachment to must be leaving his life forever as it enters the box. The word "storage" has become a bottomless abyss where his toys and movies have gone to do fun things without him for the rest of eternity. Granted, he's never moved before, but he's awfully smart for a three-year-old, and should understand these amazingly well thought out explainations that Mommy has provided. (because I know everything, for your information)
Shawn, for his part, has been impressive. The entire studio was packed ten days (yes, 10!) before the move. He's got the moving truck and moving buddies arranged. (I conveniently booked the gas and phone companies to come to the new place on the morning of moving day, so I'll be unable to help load the truck. Oh darn.)
So my house is a disaster, but you know what? I don't care. In a week this won't be my house anymore. Oh, I know, I have a new one to keep clean, but it's so much more fun to keep a new house clean while you try to find a place for everything. Six more days!
Oh, and only twenty-six more days before I go back to the bliss of a nice quiet office for eight hours a day.....eight hours where I will not hear the word "Mommy"......Work? Heaven? It's a fine line....